My Personal Experience: Feeling Like the “Other”
As a migrant from China to Australia, I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve been asked—within the first minute of meeting someone—“Where are you from?”, “What’s your accent?”, or even “Are you Japanese?” (spoiler: no, I’m not). Once, someone even greeted me with a deep 90-degree bow (which, by the way, isn’t a common practice in modern China) instead of a simple “hello.”
While I understand that people are often just curious, these interactions can make me feel like I’m being labeled as “different” before I’m even given a chance to be seen as just another person. It’s not that questions about culture or background are bad—it’s about how and when they’re asked.
Why These Questions Can Be Problematic
Many well-intentioned people don’t realize that questions like “Where are you really from?” or “What’s your accent?” can:
- Make someone feel like an outsider before any real connection is made.
- Reduce a person to stereotypes rather than seeing them as an individual.
- Assume familiarity—just because someone looks different doesn’t mean they want to discuss their heritage immediately.
How to Ask Culturally Curious Questions Respectfully
If you genuinely want to learn about someone’s background, here’s how to approach it in a way that fosters connection rather than alienation:
1. Start with Normal Conversation First
Before diving into personal questions, engage in regular small talk—just as you would with anyone else. Ask about their interests, work, or opinions before steering toward cultural topics.
❌ “Where are you from?” (as the first question)
✅ “What do you enjoy doing in your free time?”
2. Ask for Permission Before Personal Questions
Instead of assuming someone is open to discussing their background, give them the choice.
❌ “Why do you have an accent?”
✅ “Do you mind if I ask about your background?”
3. Focus on Skills and Experiences, Not Assumptions
People appreciate being valued for their abilities rather than pre-judged based on appearance.
❌ “You must be really good at math!” (stereotype)
✅ “What languages do you speak?” or “Have you lived in other countries?”
4. Avoid Exoticizing or Fetishizing Cultural Differences
Comments like “You’re so exotic!” or “Your English is so good!” can come across as backhanded compliments. Instead, show genuine interest without making someone feel like a novelty.
❌ “You’re so exotic-looking!”
✅ “I’d love to learn more about your culture—would you be open to sharing?”
5. Listen More Than You Assume
If someone shares something about their culture, don’t immediately relate it to stereotypes (e.g., “Oh, so you eat dogs?”). Instead, ask open-ended questions.
❌ “Do you eat weird food?”
✅ “What’s a dish from your culture that you’d recommend?”
Final Thoughts: Curiosity with Kindness
Being curious about other cultures is wonderful—it’s how we learn and grow. But the key is to approach conversations with respect, empathy, and awareness.
Next time you meet someone from a different background, try connecting with them as a person first. Ask thoughtful questions, listen actively, and remember: we all want to be seen for who we are, not just where we’re from.
LYVIX 